Listen
to George share his experiences about his wife's cancer in his
own words. (572 K .au file)
Listen
to George share his experiences about his wife's cancer in his
own words. (572 K .au file)
George felt that life as he knew it had been shattered by the news that Nancy had cancer. After recovering from the initial shock, they set out together to understand what this would mean in their lives.
George's Reactions: Our professional lives overlapped
A lot of the time was a typical absent husband and father. I traveled all over the world, leaving my poor wife at home sometimes with four kids. Then as the children left home, the two of us were living together and working together because our professional lives overlapped. One time we were India together for over a month on two different assignments. We met twice, once in a airport for an hour, and once for a weekend during a meeting. She was independent, so was I. We were in caring, warm, personal relationship that included writing together and doing professional research together, but also operating in different parts of the world on any given date. So whenever either one was ill, the other one did what was necessary. We've had that kind of a back and forth relationship even before the diagnosis of the breast cancer.
George's Reactions: We became more flexible
We were the kind of people who went to a lot of places but never
took a tourist duty. We've worked in Indonesia, but we've never been
to Bali. We were busy doing our special work. I think since the
diagnosis, we have been much more flexible. What are we waiting for?
Let's take an extra day and see this thing, or do that thing. I think
we've done more visiting with family, her sister, my sister and
brother, and our own children. More travel for that kind of purpose
than was our norm before that.
George's Reactions: We became amateur experts
I think what we both discovered was that oh, these are very inexact signs and the literature is not very clear, and the physicians are being careful and they don't have the answers to most things. There's some hope, I think, in mere human beings that oh, yes, the doctor really knows. Their readings and the exchange with others who are also reading helped us. So I'm having to learn about things I didn't ever want to learn about or need to learn about, and what I'm learning is that there's no easy answer. The flexibility of the system impressed us, but we couldn't have even interacted with it if we hadn't been reading, and studying, and asking questions. So we became some amateur experts in a field that we had no interest up until the moment when we didn't have any choice.
George's Reactions: The future is more important
I think there's sort of a shattering moment when you get this news
and don't quite believe it. In the first few days after the
diagnosis, both of us were sort of looking around for who to blame
this on. We've lived through some tough situations, but up 'till now,
none of the plans have fallen that hard. The flip side of this sort
of mutually collaborative relationship is that the threat to any one
is very tough on the other. That's probably the case in any kind of a
marriage relationship. So I found myself more concerned. "How could I
ever cope in the future?" rather than "What should I have done
earlier on to prevent this now?" I think we're both more concerned
with the future. If we live another two months it will be our 50th
wedding anniversary.
George's Reactions: Nancy told our children
It was my wife who told them each by phone. We're not big on secrets about anything, especially health. When the mammogram came back and said there's a problem here, they all knew it within a day. My one daughter came at the time of Nancy's second surgery, and so after that when we went into the little room to meet the surgeon and discuss what had happened, she came with me. She asked Maggie what her age was, and she asked a couple of other questions, and then she pointed at her and said when did you have your last mammogram and you'd better have one regularly from now on if you haven't. So both of our daughters took that pretty seriously.
George's Reactions: I was more conscious of her needs
Probably one becomes more conscious of the need to be caring of
the other at a time like this, than in the normal time. I think as
you go through any kinds of surgery there's a period afterward in
which you need some attention. Now, you can have nursing care of one
kind or another, and I think in our experience I found myself doing
things that a good nurse should do . . . a good nurse could do this
better. But then a really trained person might not be around at the
right time to do what needs to be done. The demands upon the spouse
to be understanding and supportive are there, to a larger degree than
I had anticipated.
George's Reactions: We don't control what happens
I think my experience in South Asia, particularly living in the Hindu world, taught me that I live in the world but I don't control it. I also figured out that I don't know the future. Hell, if you figured out that you don't control the world and you don't know the future, its I think a lot easier to cope with the unpredictable thing which does change your life pattern. I think in terms of the cancer, it was more difficult for my wife because the real world for her is in Asia and in Africa, and that she couldn't even get to her real world for a while and that was a difficult adjustment. So those need to be supportive of that. You could say its a bitter pill to swallow, but its easier to swallow with a lot water and be done with it than to taste it and enjoy the bitterness. And I think a lot of us would rather just drink it down and go onto the next.
George's Reactions: If we get to our 50th anniversary
I think my experience in South Asia, particularly living in the
Hindu world, taught me that I live in the world but I don't control
it. I also figured out that I don't know the future. Hell, if you
figured out that you don't control the world and you don't know the
future, its I think a lot easier to cope with the unpredictable thing
which does change your life pattern. I think in terms of the cancer,
it was more difficult for my wife because the real world for her is
in Asia and in Africa, and that she couldn't even get to her real
world for a while and that was a difficult adjustment. So those need
to be supportive of that. You could say its a bitter pill to swallow,
but its easier to swallow with a lot water and be done with it than
to taste it and enjoy the bitterness. And I think a lot of us would
rather just drink it down and go onto the next.
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