Sunday, Aug. 24, 1997 Page J 1

©1997 San Francisco Examiner

CAREER SEARCH

How to be a mingler, not a mangler

Dave Murphy

XAMINER CAREER SEARCH EDITOR

"The best conversationalists don't just give name, rank and serial number. They were not just shot down over enemy territory," says the San Francisco author, who has lectured, gabbed and schmoozed her way around the country for years, telling businesses and groups why talk isn't cheap.

She says that 88 percent of people identify themselves as being shy, often because they don't know how to get into a good conversation with someone they just met.

"We have some painfully shy people who are able to make it at work," she says. "But put them at their brother's wedding and they can't say a word."

That shyness also can hamper your career. In her book coming out Wednesday, "What Do I Say Next? Talking Your Way to Business and Social Success (Warner Books)," RoAne points to a study in the early 1990s by Thomas Harrell, professor emeritus of business at Stanford. He studied a group of MBAs a decade after graduation, finding out what made some of them particularly successful.

Their one common trait was verbal fluency, feeling comfortable both in public speaking and in general conversations, not just with friends, but with strangers, investors and co-workers.

That doesn't surprise RoAne. "If you are comfortable talking with people, you develop better business relationships and have a happier life."

Work settings have made the shyness worse, thanks to hectic schedules, isolating cubicles and omnipresent e-mail. But RoAne believes success still comes to those who know when and how to talk the talk - which requires your eyes and ears as well as your mouth. Here are some of her suggestions:

Prepare. Have a handful of short items - anecdotes, jokes, news stories or other interesting tidbits - that you can share with others. You don't have to toss all of them into the conversation, but at least you'll have something to add.

Extra preparation helps if you're attending a banquet or mixer. "Before you go anywhere, spend 10 minutes thinking about what you have in common with the people who are going to be there."

Be well read. Look at local and national newspapers, magazines and trade publications. At least glance at all the sections, and by all means read the comics. "That's why I think faxes were invented: to send comics to friends."

RoAne says don't use the excuse that you're too busy to read or watch the news. "If it's an issue of time, how much time are you investing on your career?"

Listen. "I think this mirroring technique is a crock, but there is something to listening to people for cues." Instead of mirroring - repeating back the main points of what the other person says - RoAne suggests you simply focus on what the other person is saying and doing, not let your eyes wander around the room.

"We listen with our eyes, we listen with our face, we listen with our body language, we listen with our brains."

Good listening comes with a future payoff: You get fodder for other conversations - as long as you can remember it. So if someone tells a good joke, write it down.

Have a life. "If you're a rock climber, you've got something interesting. Bring what you are and what you do to events."

Sometimes a bigger challenge than talking with colleagues at the office is figuring out how to mingle in a roomful of strangers. If you're shy, how do you get the first word in?

Again, RoAne says that preparation is crucial. Think of an icebreaker geared to the event, maybe about the locale or the group that's sponsoring it. Commiserate about the agony of finding a parking place.

"You can make an observation. You can ask a question. You can reveal something about yourself."

She says smart shy people who want to mingle will show up earlier than the masses. "They know how difficult it is to walk into a crowded room. When the rest of us come in, we'll walk over to them."

Wear your nametag on the right side so it's easier to read when you shake hands, and put something interesting on it rather than just your company name. "If you fill in your name, make it big or no one over 30 will be able to read it."

RoAne remembers one man who wrote "NAMETAG" on his nametag. It served its purpose: People talked with him.

She discourages pushing an agenda when you're at a mixer, or ignoring people because you're so concerned with finding the decision-makers. If you do need to talk with a CEO there, RoAne suggests keeping the conversation brief if there are others waiting, then following it up at a later date. Don't monopolize the CEO's time.

And once you become a good mingler, don't forget the shy people. RoAne says that if you see people standing at the periphery of your group, take a step back to nonverbally invite them in. If you're talking with people whose interests are different from yours, think about colleagues or friends they might want to meet.

"The best of conversationalists are great matchmakers," RoAne says. "Conversation is an art. It is not a science. Networking is an art. It is not a science."